Sick of Being Sick

I’m restarting the ABC Diet

Last time, I kept blacking out and vomiting up water and celery. My finger tips turned blue. I can’t believe I’m doing this again. Too bad it completely works.

Questionaire

Highest Weight: 215 lbs

Current Weight: 165 lbs
Goal Weight: 115 lbs

Favorite Exercise? Elliptical and yoga.

Thinspo? Is it weird that my ultimate thinspo is a drag queen? I want arms and legs and shoulders and a neck like Raja from RuPaul’s Drag Race.

What Makes You Strong? When I can see the changes myself & when the number on the scale is where I want it to be. Compliments do nothing for me.

When Did It Start? March 2012

Does Anyone Know? No one in my life cares enough to notice.

How many calories do you consume a day? ~600

Are You In A Relationship? Yes, but only because I feel like I have to be.

Is It For Attention? It’s because I’m a lard ass.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Of Your Friends? I have one friend who is morbidly obese and another who is teeny tiny.

Are You Depressed? I don’t know. I’m not happy, but I don’t think I’m depressed.

Ever Been To A Psychologist? That would require 1) having money or 2) telling my parents.

Are You On Any Medication? No.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[X] ednos
[X] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[X] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[X] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[X] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[X] vegetarian (except fish & occasionally chicken)

PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[X] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[X] say I’m pretty
[X] spread rumors about me
[X] force me to eat
[X] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[X] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[X] I was thin
[X] I had a better body
[X] I didn’t have to eat
[X] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 100lbs
[X] I could avoid food
[X] I could hide what I am
[X] I wasn’t fat
[X] I was prettier
[X] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I could disappear

I LOVE -
[ ] feeling hungry
[X] seeing a difference
[X] shaking
[X] being weak
[X] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[X] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[X] being able to turn down food
[X] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[ ] when people stare
[X] being asked questions
[X] having to eat
[ ] being single
[X] wearing short skirts
[X] being fat
[ ] looking ugly
[X] feeling this way
[X] fat people

I NEED -
[X] more support
[X] people to stay out of my business
[X] more new friends
[ ] someone to know
[X] less food
[X] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[X] to lose 50 lbs
[X] to lose 30 lbs
[X] to lose 20lbs

I’m suffocating…

I have a boyfriend for the first time in years. He’s funny, smart and beautiful. We have nearly everything in common, and he kisses with abandon. He gushes with adoration and worries that he’s not good enough for me.

Oh, God, I hate this. I hate being in relationships. Being touched makes my skin crawl. Being watched makes me feel crushed. My limbs and brain are jammed into a tight space, one that is dark and hot and buzzing with noise, and his eyes are the only thing I can see. I’m constricted and terrified. When we’re together, I want to scream and hide and run and do a million things except existing in the moment. I’m silenced by fear of saying what I feel.

I need out.

3. Do you have any special routines?

Right now, I’m doing the ABC Diet. It’s really grueling, especially for a fat girl who loves to binge on sweets. Diet Coke and sugar-free chewing gum are lifesavers.

Also, I’m doing a month long ab workout. It’s basically the February Fab Ab workout. I already feel stronger and more toned.

Third, in order to get my metabolism up and running in the morning, I have a cup of black coffee. It’s zero calories and it kick starts my body killing off my fat.

Today I Wore A Sleeveless Top

I went to the park with some friends today. One of my friends, Elle Elle, is skinny. She always has been. She makes snide comments whenever I eat in front of her and always tells me that she thinks I’ve had enough to eat. She thinks this is funny. She doesn’t know that it actually does help me.

Any time I eat now, I imagine her making fun of me, and I lose my appetite.

As we were walking to the park, I offered to give her a piggy back ride and she laughed and jumped up on my back. She was so light. I can’t wait to be the one who can just hop onto someone’s back and be carried away. But see, Elle Elle never compliments me. Whenever I’m nicely dressed or have lost a little weight, she won’t say anything to me until someone else has, and even then, what she has to say never really feels like a compliment.

Not today, though.

As I was carrying her across the parking lot, she rested her arms on the tops of my shoulders. In her snotty little voice, she said, “Oh, GOD. Your shoulders are starting to feel so KNOBBY!”

As in, there’s less fat on my shoulders. As in, my bones are starting to stick out. As in, my hard work is paying off.

I could tell she was trying not to compliment me but rather to make me feel ashamed about a whole new aspect of myself (I mean, if she can’t make fun of me for being fat anymore, she can just make fun of me for being skinny). The thing is, being called knobby felt way better than being called beautiful or thin.

Maybe soon she’ll call me anorexic. Maybe soon I’ll actually look it.

How I’m Doing Lately

I’ve been staying under my calorie limit for the past couple of days. No sweat. I’ve got this shit.

Except when I’m around friends. They bully me when I say I’m not hungry. Fuckers.

I purged twice today. I made a mistake, hit the undo button and I refuse to beat myself up about it.

So, I’ve been thinking about what my smaller goals are, and I wrote this down:

HW: 215
CW: 165
GW1: 169
GW2: 159
GW3: 154
GW4: 149
GW5: 139
GW6: 135
GW7: 129
GW8: 119
UGW: 115

Mid-Diet Crisis

I don’t have to explain myself to you skinny bitches, but I’m going to anyway.

A close friend of mine just moved into my place after leaving rehab. It’s wonderful to have someone around the house, but all of his food sits in the cabinets and fridge, and it beckons. It fucking WANTS me to eat it. He has chips, ice cream, candy and cheese. Fuck me running.

I’ve been putting up with this for days now, but having someone so close to me makes hiding my eating habits really fucking problematic. So, for the past week or so, I’ve been eating too much, and I don’t dare purge because I know he might hear me.

I feel so lost. I have the fear of being found. I’m at war within my own body.

I’m starting the ABC over again tomorrow. I need to recenter myself.

I haven’t forsaken you, you skinny bitches. And I know Ana would never forsake me.

2. Who are you doing this for?

I’ve been fat my entire life, just about. By the time I turned ten, I was already wearing a size 12. I was fat for my school plays; I was fat for prom; I was fat for high school graduation; I’m fat now.

I’ve been physically picked up by a guy once. He grabbed me around the waist and held me a few inches off the ground for just a couple of seconds. I could tell that he underestimated how difficult it would be to pick me up. I hated myself in that moment.

So, you can bet your sweet tits that I’m doing this for me. I want to be a skinny bitch like you guys.